I read "The Lovely Bones" by Alice Sebold years ago and soon after read her memoir "Lucky". I remember reading an interview she had given where she stated she had the idea for "Lovely Bones" but every time she sat down to write she ended up writing her story which later became "Lucky". She had to get her story out so that she could write "The Lovely Bones" they way that she wanted without influence from her personal story.
I haven't written because I haven't wanted to share my story. And I haven't been able to write anything but. I don't know how to describe what's been going on with me. But it has been the biggest struggle of my life to date. This event in my life has forced me to re-evaluate my life up to this point and ultimately reexamine who I thought I was and who I think I am. "Heavy" as Marty McFly would say.
I really hate cryptic FB posts. I always think, "Just say what the hell you're thinking or what you're talking about or don't post!" And I realize I am doing the very thing that I hate.
I just wanted some sort of explanation for being a terrible friend. This original post was simply going to be an apology. I have not been a good friend. I have not responded to texts or phone calls or emails, I have not met up with you, I have not seen your show, or been a supportive friend in any way other than I think about you. I pray for you. I miss you. And I feel guilt all of the time for leaving you high and dry. Not saying ya'll can't go on without me...but I miss being a part of your life.
But I felt the need to give a vague, washed out explanation. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to share completely what these past 9-12 months have been to me. Save a few close friends. But please accept my apology. I went into protection mode. Hibernation.
I'm coming out of it slowly. I auditioned for the first time in about a year. It feels good to have that part of me back. It's just a small, community theatre production of Spamalot but I'm really enjoying myself and that's what matters.
I hope to write again soon. I really do love it. If people actually read it that's a bonus. But this past year the only way I've felt I could express myself is writing. And I'm grateful for it.
I hope you are all well. I love you and wish you the best.
I'm leaving you with a song that has become my anthem. It's not a very interesting video but you can just listen if you'd like!