That Angry Blog

I woke up really angry today. So obviously, it’s a great time to write a blog. You poor, poor reader. Yes, singular. I had a very real, very horrible dream. The second night in a row I had a stress dream. In this dream I was in a mall and my purse had gone missing. In it were two pay checks along with my wallet that had my social security card in it. This reflects what is actually in my wallet now. And no, I don’t always carry around my SSC. I have it because I needed it to copy to sign my new lease. Anyhoo, I ran around in my dream looking for my purse screaming to anyone who would hear how much money I had in it. The exact amount of the two checks and what I have in savings. I kept screaming this number. And I was running but I couldn’t make my legs move fast enough. And my heart felt like it was going to explode. Then somehow I was in a building that apparently I lived in and my Dad was suddenly there. I was sobbing telling him what had happened while trying to open the door to my apartment. It was the end of the world. If I did not get inside to reach a phone I could not call to cancel my credit cards, and put a hold on my checks. I had to get inside. But none of my keys worked. And that’s when I woke up.

I woke up crying and very angry. Now, I’m not saying I’m an expert in analyzing dreams but we did talk about it in my high school psychology class. So I’m pretty skilled. Actually, all I remember is that if you dream about alligators you have an overpowering mother. Or was it mother-in-law? Welp, no alligators in my dream. But I think we all can interpret my dream, as it was very literal and not super creative.

I think about money every day. How am I going to get it, where am I going to get it. How much will I have left after I pay my bills. Can I pay my bills this month. And I don’t calculate in round numbers. Down to the dollar am I figuring. When I’m at work at it’s slow grab a calculator and start adding up how many hours I’ve worked how much they pay me and then subtract the bills. I do this over and over with the same result. I need to see the number over and over again. OCD much?

If you’re 21 and under and you are nodding while reading this and going, “OMG me too!” please shut the fuck up. Seriously, be quiet. (I told you I was mad) So many young people I know whose parent’s pay for their apartment and monthly bills so they are free to go after their dreams of theatre try to relate to me on this. And usually I am kind and think how lucky they are and be happy they are in that place while I sit in the audition room called back for the same part of a 30 year old woman as they. (That’s a different day, different blog) But not today suckers. Because you’re not 30+ with the weight of “I should” on your shoulders. Because really I should. I should have a job, health care, a solid relationship, and maybe a few vacation days in the year.

I know I know there are no “shoulds” we all have our own path. Well I’m google mapping that shit right now and hopping on another one.

Segue: I get mad at myself a lot because I am the reason I am where I am. The choices I’ve made got me here. Right? But when I get weepy and upset I think “but I did what I was supposed to do!” Because I did. I had a minimum wage job at 15 and had it all throughout high school. I did not get pregnant before I was ready. I got good grades (well good enough) and got scholarships, academic and music, to college. I worked my ass off in undergrad participating in every extracurricular I thought would improve my artistry, including percussion ensemble. Lemme tell you I rocked that bass drum and bells. I never had less than 21 units. Then after a year working towards my masters in education I made a wrong turn. I realized I was doing this because I knew it would make me a reasonable salary and it wasn’t what I was passionate about and I left to go do theatre! Big mistake idiot. You followed your dreams. You could have a summer house by now. (This is all sarcasm by the way.) “I have a degree in theatre tech and a minor in Movement! Why did my parents let me do that!?” –Liz Lemon Anyway I went to theatre school, was a good student, then went straight to grad school because you should learn everything about your craft if it’s computer science or theatre.

I should say here that I was very lucky. Yes, I worked my butt off in the practice rooms at 2 am because that’s when it was finally quiet, but I did experience a lot of good fortune. I got solos, I got first chair my first year, and I didn’t even have to apply to grad school. It called me on the phone. I got those things through hard work but a lot of people work hard and don’t get those opportunities that I had. This point of my life is the wall. I’m hitting my head against it at the moment but soon I’ll figure out how to get over it.  I’m thinking jet pack.

So I look back and I think ok. Good for you. You worked really hard and educated yourself. So why am I being punished with a 6.8% interest rate on my loan while the government charges my bank .75%? Because I bet you twenty bucks that banks makes way more money than I do. THEY probably have a summer home. PS If you took the bet I charge 6.8% interest. Sorry, girls gotta eat.

I remind myself every day while working a minimum wage job where customers have called me “uneducated” to my face and treat me like complete shit, that I am still important. I don’t always believe it but it’s a mantra so you have to say it. Just because my passion/job is not in demand does not mean that I or it am not important. All of our passions in life are important. Some people just get paid more to do theirs. It feels unfair because it is. Some people work five days a week and get paid enough to have a house, car, 2.5 kids, and vacations to Hawaii. Some people work seven days a week and can barely pay their rent, car insurance, health insurance, food etc. I guess it’s just how it is. I want to teach movement and acting in a college setting. I don't want to settle for something else. I will work at crap jobs until I'm where I want to be. I am good at what I do. I just can’t get paid to do it right now. Mantra mantra sugar mantra mantra diet coke. It’s how my days go.

People say, “Money can’t buy happiness!” You guys? Fuck you, too. Go stand in the corner with the twenty something’s shopping at Abecrombie. Because people who usually say that have enough to a lot of money. They have health care. And yes I do know plenty of people who say that who don’t have money. They are hippies with long hair and they’re in their 20’s. In five years they’ll be investment bankers. Of course I know that money cannot buy me intrinsic happiness. But I would be a lot happier if I had money in savings. Money for health care. Money for rent. Money for food. And do I have money for these each month? Yes, barely. Oh but not for savings. I’m not there yet. But to have a cushion in the bank creates a cushion in your state of mind and being. To not be constantly on edge with worry would completely change my world. To pay my parents back would help my self worth. To pay off my student loans and not feel buried would change my outlook.

I have to insert a funny/horrifying story here. Background: I work at a women’s gym. One day this woman came out of her massage and she was yelling at me because the woman who gave her a massage “did not even ask me if I wanted oil or lotion and she continued to talk to me and ask personal questions like what I do for a living. And when I asked her to do it harder she said that is a different massage. Ok I’m a doctor and I don’t come here after work to get talked to like that. She can barely speak English. I mean, I know Obama is president but not everything is equal.” (To help with her characterization imagine an upward inflection after every phrase) After I found the words to speak I told her she could go back into the spa and speak with the manager about her dissatisfaction. You are right, lady. Not everything is equal. It is completely tipped in favor of you. I wish that I were exaggerating but I’m not. I will never ever forget what she said. Because it was horrible and because I performed it for my roommates several times when I got home. These are times when I sit there making $8.75 repeating, “You is kind, you is smart, you is important”.

I can’t even go into how disappointed in America and our government I am. I can’t even go there because I have no faith that it is for the people anymore. I do not believe that anyone in politics is fighting for the American citizen. I have done my research and voted ever since I was of age. I was taught it was an honor and a privilege. But I don’t think I have a voice anymore. I was lucky enough to hear Rainn Wilson speak about his Bahai faith and he said that our world is completely out of balance. And that something will happen to make it balanced again. I completely agree. Unfortunately, I think that very big thing will be something negative. As we’ve seen in history people can only be pushed so far. I do think that Elizabeth Warren is a good chick though. I’m looking forward to hearing more of what she has to say and watching what she is going to do.

I am sorry I am angry. I am sorry that this post was so negative. I try not to be but that’s where I am. I am not writing this for pity. What I am feeling is not original. So many people feel the way I feel and are in the predicament I’m in. And it’s not right. So here’s to the struggling folk out there. I salute you and love you.  We’ll make it through somehow.

Here’s what I want for my friends and strangers of the world: I want to be rewarded for working hard, I want affordable health care, I want my gay friends to get married (and I want to sing at your weddings), I want affordable education for everyone that does not only include online classes (because that scares the heck out of me), and I want a cappuccino machine for the writers room. 30 bucks to those who get the reference. *

*Interest rates have gone up in the time you’ve been reading. 6.9%