Hope and Drag Queens

Well, well, well. Look who finally has something to write about. Well, I have been writing but not sharing. I call it “Writing” and not “Journaling” because “Journaling” is what lame people do except really they just take a picture of their coffee next to the beach and instagram about how great journaling is. I have gotten to the point where I want to share everything that has happened to me in the past year, but there are a few people very close to me who do not know yet. And they don’t deserve to read about it online rather than hear it from me. So today’s topic: Hope. Simple, yet elusive to so many.

It is embarrassing to say (yet I must) that for me, the past year has been devoid of hope. I was in a pit so deep it seemed there was no way out. I couldn’t see past the day to see what could lie ahead. It came down to two choices: to give in and disappear or ask for help. Thanks to great friends I chose the latter and found the help I needed. Though I had chosen the more positive route I still couldn’t find the outlook I once had. Maybe because I was still coming out of it, but I think because I am a different person now. I am learning how to live in this new version of myself. But aren’t we always ever changing and evolving? Everyone tells you that depression sucks. Because it does. And we all respond with, “Yeah, dipshit we could surmise that.” What I was unaware of is that it sucks because there is no looking forward. Nothing to be excited for. No planning. Merriam Webster defines hope as “to want something to happen or be true and think that it could happen or be true”. I think of Company, “Want something Bobby. Want SOMEthing.” I digress. I didn’t want anything. I wasn’t hungry for anything. Except for dessert.

I had never considered hope until this year. I knew what it was. I had heard “Faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love” a billion times. I had used the word a hundred times a day, but never contemplated what it’s meaning was. To me it was a word people overused on their shabby chic signs they hung in their homes, stitched on their pillows, or tattooed on their wrist or ankle.

I thought that it would come slowly with time. I started seeing a therapist and going to group therapy and I thought, “If I keep working I will find hope again”. Talk about cliché. I could be the less charming version of Eat, Pray, Love except it would just be called “Eat”. Side note: turns out gaining 20 pounds is a side effect of depression. You can check Web MD if you don’t believe me.

I found that I was wrong. There was a night I was driving home from rehearsal and it hit me . I was hopeful. How the hell did that happen?

So by now you know I was just in the musical La Cage Aux Folles at Riverside Repertory Theatre because I post about it 20 times a day on FB. You’re welcome. If you don’t know the show it’s got everything: drag queens, glitter, mistaken identity, and a super handsome dude singing ballads (I’ll keep my burning love for a married gay guy a secret…to no one. We all know whom I’m talking about). But the show really is about so much more.

Most people’s response when I tell them I was commuting to Riverside for the show is “What?! Why would you do that?!” At first, I wasn’t sure why I was making the 2.5 hour drive either. When Matt contacted me I was hesitant because it was so far away, but also because I hadn’t worked professionally in over a year. My hibernation period caused me to doubt my ability. But it was a show that had a message I loved and wanted to be a part of telling. I auditioned and was cast as Jacqueline.

Going into rehearsal I was scared shitless. Do I remember how to do this? What’s blocking? How do I memorize lines? And for the love of God, are they going to make me dance?! On top of it I had to miss the first rehearsal due to a concert I was in, so I was already behind the game.

My fears were set aside as soon as I showed up. I first met Philip who could not have been more kind. He gave me a big hug right away and I could breathe again. I was still bumbling through as I remembered what play acting was, but at least I felt safe. 

I’m not going to discuss the whole rehearsal process cause really, you probably don’t care. What I am trying to say is that this experience was unlike any other I’ve ever had. A lot of it had to do with where I was coming from, but more so it had to do with the people I was blessed to work with. The whole rehearsal/show process I found myself wanting to express to them how much they healed me but words failed me and…we were working. How do you pass someone backstage and thank them for changing your life? I felt still very fragmented when I came to the process and through their hugs, kisses, kind words, jokes, laughs, and hard work I came out of it a whole person. There were many times that I cried on the way home (ohhhh here comes the embarrassing stuff) because I was so grateful. Grateful to be working, finding my purpose, and surrounded by supportive, loving people. The past year was full of harsh things. A job where I didn’t have “co-workers” or a work place I returned to, a job where kids told me to “fuck off”, and a harsh mental struggle that sucked away me energy. I was grateful for this journey because it enveloped me like a warm hug. I was surrounded by kindness and creativity once again. And these people didn’t even know me!

It was on one of these what I call “crying drives” that it hit me like a brick to the face: I had hope. It was no gradual process of me acknowledging the steps I was taking getting closer and closer to hope. It was an explosive moment that had me talking and laughing out loud to myself. Form there I began to plan and invest in my future because I felt like I had one. Things started changing in therapy and in all areas of my life as I stopped looking down and began looking forward.

It’s at this point that I want to say that I’m not disregarding any other show or experience in theater I’ve had. I don’t want friends reading this to think, “Ummm wasn’t our experience in Godspell just as magical?! How dare you!” Every opportunity I’ve had has been wonderful and a learning experience, but we all have those shows that by chance line up with what we’re experience in our own lives. It’s that serendipity where the message of the show is exactly what you need to hear. That was this show for me.

It was as if every song was written for me. Well, except maybe “Dishes”. So many lyrics have become part of my mantra from “The best of times is now, not some forgotten yesterday” to “So count all the loves who will love you from now 'til the end of your life”. But “I Am What I Am” has become a theme song for me. If I were to have a sitcom that would be the opening credit.

“It's my world that I want to take a little pride in,
My world, and it's not a place I have to hide in. Life's not worth a damn,
'Til you can say, ‘Hey world, I am what I am.”

My therapist (don’t you love sentences that start with that?) told me to choose a mantra to use for now. I can change it as I evolve but choose one that will help me now. I chose the above phrase. Mainly because I have pride in myself and my past and I don’t want to run away or hide as I have this year. I don’t blame myself for hibernating. It was something I had to do to protect myself. But I’m glad it’s over. Aside from the fun, drag queens, and glitter, it is this message that drew me to the show: Accepting others and yourself as they/ you are. Period. And can we let these people get married already? For goodness sake. But that’s another blog entirely.

So, THAT’s why I drove on average almost 3 hours to and from rehearsal. This feels like a departure from my normal blog style which is cynical, snarky, honest, and a little bitchy. But I kept thinking about the show and my new state of being and wanted to share. Especially with my cast mates. I wrote cards to all of them thinking “But this still doesn’t express how truly grateful I am!” and maybe I’ll never be able to express it fully. I’ll have to be satisfied with the thought that the blessings I send out to them will find them eventually.

Where do we go from here? Nope, I did not just quote Andrew Llyod Weber. Because I would never do that. EVER. There are some prospects lined up for my immediate future and that’s exciting. But a lot of my life, including where I’ll be living when I move in two weeks, is up in the air. And that’s thrilling and scary for me. For the first time in a long time I feel like I can do whatever I want and go wherever I want. So I just might. I feel like I’m joining the living. Again, I apologize for not coming to your shows or get togethers, but I hope to join you all soon. Unless your parties are lame. Then I’m not coming.
I leave you with the song “I Am What I Am” and I wish you well.

*also please excuse the grammar and punctuation. I usually edit…but I don’t feel like it. Sorrrrrry.